| A poorly engineered dog |
[Jun. 14th, 2007|04:47 pm] |
Today I saw a healthy dog that was physically incapable of galloping. It was some kind of toy breed that looked like a Dachshund with long silky hair. The poor beast's legs were so short and its back so long and stiff that it couldn't get its hind paws under its centre of balance. It could just barely get its whole front end off the ground for a split second by using the muscles in its front legs to spring upwards (kind of like a human doing clapping push-ups), but that method was clearly exhausting and could only be used for a few strides at a time.
The dog looked happy and friendly enough, but I can't help feeling that breeding such a creature is a form of cruelty to animals. |
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| Interesting facial deformity |
[Apr. 25th, 2007|08:02 pm] |
In the supermarket line this evening I saw a man who had no jaw. At first I thought he just had a massive overbite, but another peek showed that he had no mandible at all. His Asterix moustache just hung out over space.
He was buying a lot of soup.
The strange thing was that he seemed to have a certain amount of muscle control over his lower lip, though he had to dab at it occasionally. I thought you needed a mandible to anchor those muscles. Now I kind of wish I'd been forward enough to ask him about it. |
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| Overheard in the public library |
[Apr. 7th, 2007|03:27 pm] |
A little old lady comes up to the information desk. "DO YOU HAVE A POLICY ON CELLPHONES?" she demands.
"I'm sorry?" says the librarian.
"DO YOU HAVE A POLICY ON CELLPONES? I'M GETTING TIRED OF ALL THESE TEENAGERS MAKING NOISE TALKING ON THEIR PHONES IN THE READING ROOM!" She then procedes to rant at the top of her lungs for the next ten minutes, while everyone in the library stares at her.
I sure hope those librarians are decently paid. |
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| Missionary positioning |
[Feb. 27th, 2007|11:41 pm] |
I've found a new use for Mormon missionaries: you can practice your self defense skills on them.
I ran into a pair of Mormons in the Ossington subway station on the way home from JKD tonight. My personal Somebody Else's Problem field wasn't strong enough to make up for an empty platform, so I was obliged to talk to one of them. During the course of the encounter, I was struck by the similarities between their tactics and a classic mugging.
The first stage of self defence is awareness. I did fine on that part, spotting the pair even before they entered the station, and watching with amusement as they made an unconvincing show of just happening to wander fifty metres back up the platform towards the position I'd staked out next to the exit.
The next step of a violent crime is the interview. When a perpetrator spots you and engages with you, there is usually some dialogue and positioning before the violence begins. This is where I realized how much fun missionaries are. As a pink-cheeked lad* attempted to tell me about Jesus Christ and His resurrection, I started working out all the casual gestures that would keep my hands between me and him, and give me access to strikes, joint destructions and throws. Soon I realized that I could get my feet into the game too, and I started gently moving him out to the edge of the platform.
Is it a sin to fantasize about throwing missionaries in front of trains? Surely the Bible or the Book of Mormon has something to say about that.
However, I think I still lost the encounter. I didn't see the boy's hand go to his pocket and pull out a little advertising card. If he'd pulled a weapon instead of a piece of paper, I'd have been in trouble. Oh well, I'll just have to find some more Mormons and work on my skills.
*Why do you never see Mormon women? I have a theory: some of those cleanshaven boys must really be girls in drag. |
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| Something I saw last weekend |
[Sep. 25th, 2006|09:12 pm] |
I just remembered something I noticed on Saturday morning and then forgot.
On the way to the gym, a funeral procession passed me by. It was preceded by silent police cruisers with flashing lights that blocked off each intersection before it passed. A long line of expensive grey sedans followed the hearse.
I wonder what kind of person gets buried with a police escort before 9 am on a Saturday morning? |
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| Two tidbits, or Zombies! |
[Jul. 30th, 2006|06:01 pm] |
Yesterday a police officer dropped by the fight club and left behind an interesting tidbit of information. He was interested in taking up a self defence-oriented martial art because he and his colleagues have recently had a few experiences with American Iraq veterans who are armed, angry and not quite in this world. If the Toronto cops are noticing an influx, I can only imagine what American cities are dealing with.
On the Queen streetcar yesterday, at Spadina, I went past a crowd of about 25 roaring and staggering people made up as zombies. The guy standing next to me sighed. "Ho hum, another dull afternoon on Queen street." |
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| Extremities |
[Jun. 7th, 2006|03:37 am] |
Say what you will about pigeons, but it distresses me that so many of them in this city are missing toes. It must be frostbite.
And while I'm on the topic of urban curiosities, I noticed a very odd woman on the subway yesterday. She had the largest ears I've ever seen on any homo sapiens. They protruded through her straight hair as though she was a character in a manga comic, but they were very round. If it weren't for the fact that she was conservatively dressed, I would have thought they were part of a costume. |
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| Conspiring cats |
[Apr. 8th, 2006|03:04 am] |
Coming up the street in the dark just now, I saw the strangest thing.
On the far curb, a black cat was staring at its reflection in a puddle. Not drinking, just staring. A few feet away, two other cats were looking on. When I turned my attention to my own side of the street, I saw a pair of glowing green eyes staring in the same direction from the shadow of an oak tree. I hadn't taken more than five steps further, and two more feline silhouettes tiptoed across the sidewalk ahead of me and slunk around a parked car, heading for the same convention.
There's husbandry afoot tonight. Either that, or the king of the cats has died. |
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| Two observations |
[Dec. 13th, 2005|10:57 pm] |
Seen today in the Indigo bookstore: one buzz-cut, tatooed, leather jacketed man frowning with intense concentration as he pored over a stack of Mr. Men picture books. There is a story to this, surely.
***
Now I'm a partisan Grit, but this is pretty funny. Paul Martin should beware. Political folk wisdom has it that your goose is not truly cooked until the public starts laughing at you. |
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| Seen on the QEW |
[Aug. 29th, 2005|12:55 am] |
The driver was a little old lady. The bumper sticker said "My other car is a broomstick". |
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| Carnivorous pigeon? |
[Jun. 9th, 2005|12:47 pm] |
Walking back to the office just now, I saw a pigeon feasting on a sandwich that had dropped at the side of the road. The bird ignored the bread and went straight for the bologna filling.
This is surely a disturbing sign, but whether it says more about pigeons or processed food I do not know. |
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| The Better Way |
[Feb. 20th, 2005|05:37 pm] |
I lost my glove on the subway this week. It managed to jump out of my hand just as I was disembarking at St. George station and slither in between the train and the platform. My gloves are tricksy like that. They keep making bids for freedom whenever they think I'm not paying attention.
So I was standing on the platform looking perplexed and the train conductor asks "Did you lose something?" as she rolls by. I hold up my remaining glove and she shouts "I'll send someone to get it for you!" before she disappears into the tunnel.
I had to go on to work, but sure enough, when I stopped by the St. George ticket kiosk on my way home that night, the cashier had my missing glove in a little cardboard box under his counter.
How's that for service? |
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| The crows are rising |
[Feb. 6th, 2005|05:06 pm] |
I was walking through a busy shopping street this afternoon when something black whooshed past my head and settled on a newspaper box. It was the biggest, glossiest crow you've ever seen. The bird seemed quite unperturbed by the crowds hurrying past on the sidewalk. It just peered at me, declared "gaak", and attempted to pry the shiny cover off the box's coin slot while two of its pals egged it on from the top of a light standard. When the slot cover wouldn't budge, it flapped across the street and tried the same manoeuvre on another newspaper box.
I was hoping to find something to lure it over to me (Actually, my train of thought went What do crows like? Carrion. Where can I find carrion? McDonald's!), but it flew away before I could lay my hands on anything.
Attracting crows: that definitely fits the Henchminion persona. |
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| Seen in a restaurant review |
[Jan. 29th, 2005|04:24 pm] |
"Warning: scary offal-stuffed lamb heads. With teeth."
Ah, NOW Magazine. Ah, Toronto. |
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henchminion's journal
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